Continuing the last post
I’m super friggin’ lost and confused about college.
I can’t wait until I get married but I don’t know if I ever will. I can’t imagine finding someone who will marry me. I am not like the majority of (brown) people that I know. Certain things about my culture frustrate me.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my future. I know it’d make my mom proud for me to be a doctor but I just hate math and science and I don’t think I can stand doing anything in the medical field.
I don’t know if I can afford anything. Thinking of college tuition just flusters me.
Why do I feel so alone all the time? Why can’t I stop thinking? Why am I asking myself all these useless questions? Why do I feel the need for people to care about me?
I want to go somewhere far away and leave everything behind or maybe just not exist altogether.
I’m in a terrible mood.
Thinking
So lately I’ve been looking into colleges that interest me. St. Johns sounds like an amazing environment but I’m worried that I can’t afford it, even though I’ve been told that they cover the tuition fees for you if you really need them to. I am fascinated by the Great Books curriculum that St Johns is one of the few colleges to authentically focus on.
Now I am just flustered and worried from thinking about college and the other various things that college reminds me of. College means leaving family and friends behind, but well, that’s okay since I’m trying to accept change. It’s inevitable, after all. I am so terribly terrified of being alone, though, but oh well. I’m hoping that by the time I leave college, I will have mastered the practice of emotional detachment through meditation so I can stop being so dependent on people.
Speaking of meditation, I’ve even talked to my mom about finding out where meditation/yoga classes are offered. I want to go to a Hindu temple where I can be instructed by a real guru, someone who’s already been enlightened and can help me find the path to enlightenment, as well. There are so many things that I want to learn through meditation. Well, not necessarily “so many” as in principles that can be counted but rather practices that can be applied in several aspects of my life everyday. If I can learn how to control my mind, that alone will make things a ton easier already since my inability to exercise control over my own thoughts has been proven to be my biggest obstacle thus far in the past few months.
Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers.
This is how I feel about reading, and this is why I’ve created this blog. Here I will record my journey through reading different works of writing, whether it be novels or poems or whatever, and how I reflect on them.
What I really like about tumblr is how simple everything is to use, how it’s not largely popular, how you’re not obligated to comment other peoples’ things and vice versa. So, I’m blogging simply for the sake of having a place to store my thoughts and develop my voice in writing along the way, since I don’t believe I practice writing enough. Things always make sense to me in my head but once I try to get my point across on paper, I don’t even know which words to begin to use. Hopefully this will help me. And I’m hoping that maybe one day I can reach someone else through writing the way I’ve learned about myself from reading and contemplating on people’s works.
Maybe I might just talk about random things here, too. I don’t know. I’ll see how it goes.
